*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

Oh hell no. Seriously. And I had the chance. You know she digs the Boyspokesmen. (Okay, Boyspokesman. Really, aren't there any guys out there who can put a coherent sentence together who want to rant about women and sit around, playing poker and smoking cigars and watching porn in the super-comfortable Boyspoke Lounge and Liquor Mart? I can't keep this up all by myself.)

I still don't get the appeal of Ms. Hilton. She is — how do I say this politely? — dumb as a fucking concrete block. And she's got the charisma of one. She's not even attractive. Let me call attention to one thing that everyone seems to have overlooked: SHE HAS NO BREASTS. That whole Carl's Jr. commercial where she was soaped up and dressed in next to nothing? It was actually a little nauseating. Yeah, here's a riddle for you: What's got two thumbs and won't ever eat at Carl's Jr. again? This guy!

By the way? That dog? Tinkerbell, or whatever its name is? It's a prop for her. Whenever the cameras aren't on her, she drops the dog like a wet rag and lets her entourage swarm around her and practically trample the dog. Then the cameras turn back on, she scoops up the dog and it's suddenly the Most Precious Thing in Her Life Ever. Yeah. Right. She's about as sincere as Bill O'Reilly apologizing to a liberal.

The fact that she's seen as the epitome of the American Woman, the top of the food chain in the social scene, the peak of conquests… well, that's just plain dumb. I'm officially kicking off the Down With Paris Hilton campaign. Down with Paris! I fart in her general direction. A lot. And not just because I've just downed a six-pack and I've got gas.

The suggestion box is wide open for you to toss in various names of who you'd nominate for the American Woman. Let democracy run its course!

The line from Clueless really is true: "Sometimes, you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex." Then again, as if we really needed any reminders?

Here's the thing, though — it's summertime, especially here in Los Angeles. Summer means tank-tops. Super-short skirts. Daisy Dukes. Bikinis. Mmm… bikinis… Sorry, I drifted off there for a second. I'm seriously going a little nuts here, since there are so many gorgeous women wandering around wearing next to nothing. I don't gawk — I'm a careful people-watcher. An observer, if you will.

They're everywhere. Yeah, I may have come a wee bit close to a couple of car accidents because I wasn't paying complete attention to the road… I may have been paying a little more attention than I should've to my, ahem, surroundings.

It's so completely a game. Women, it's not like we don't know we're being teased. And yet, it's the same principle as the chick in the gym who gave me a disapproving look because I happened to observe the fact that her body was put together by a technician somewhere in the Holy Management and her attire left almost nothing to the imagination. I'm the asshole for looking because I apparently don't meet her specs for the type of guy she's trying to haul in.

One of my favorite standup routines is by Dave Chappelle. He talks about how women protest being objectified based on what they're wearing — the exact lines go like this: "The girl says, 'Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!' Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't ever forget it. But ladies, you must understand that that is fucking confusing! It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me, saying, 'Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!' 'OHH!! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!' All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform."

In other news, I got an invite to an old friend's wedding in August on Long Island. And again, I have no date. Maybe I should take one of the Girlspoke women with me? I wonder if they put out….

You know that picture of the aftermath of a couple having sex on a dusty car hood? Snopes says it may not be real! Gasp! Insert shock and awe! My world is crumbling as I write this.

My entire perspective on things having been thrown into disarray, I began wondering what else could be exposed as untrue. Or maybe just plain exposed.

- Guys like hot but dumb. As a general rule, hot is key. A hot woman is… well, awesome. But a hot woman with brains in her head is awesomer. It's not all just boobs and legs… even if it's mostly boobs and legs. That'll get you only so far. Once you get past the sex, you've got to have something to talk about. Otherwise, it's just a one-night stand with a hot chick, and if she's naïve, that can turn into a stalkerfest where she thinks you actually like her. Then she starts calling you and asking you why you're not calling her and how come she hasn't seen you and why you're not asking her out again, and that's a huge mess.

- Women go for nice guys. Yeah, heard that one before too. The other variation is "after they date the bad boys, they eventually realize they want to settle down with the nice guys." If that were true, there wouldn't be as much spousal abuse, there wouldn't be so many single nice guys — and Cinemax wouldn't have as many subscribers, nor would Girls Gone Wild videos be so popular.

- Belching is unattractive. A chick who can belch can play along with the guys. We love that. And she might even quote movies like Blazing Saddles and Team America, which would rock.

- We understand your attraction to David Hasselhoff. Not really — I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

It's time once again for me to bring forth the spectre of online dating. This time, I'm not going to talk about my own experiences with it… no, this time, I'm going to take a look at other people's profiles and mock them openly. Realize that these are lines from actual, real, posted personals that people have put on the Internet.

- Married and completely single men should respond. Those with serious girlfriends should not. Right, because guys who've paid a ton of money for a ring and went through the whole ceremony are a lot more appealing and definitely more inclined to go out with random Internet women than guys who just have serious girlfriends?

- I'm heart broken and hurt… Damaged goods would be an understatement… Love turned me soft and now I pay the price in tears and sorrow. Yeah, there's a great hook that doesn't scream "desperate" at all. Even better, this was the opener of the listing.

- Greasers are it for me, men who appreciate hot rods, vintage clothes, furniture, cars. Men who think you should get dressed up to go to the theatre or dinner. Hi, step out of the time machine and welcome to the year 2006. Things have changed a bit from the 1950s, which you left only a few moments ago.

- Seeking a man who either philosophizes about sex or is philosophical during sex or who simply has sex and loves philosophy. I'll settle for the latter. Post-Modernist Heideggerians/Foucaultians please apply. You don't want a boyfriend… admit it, you never got past fucking your college philosophy professor, and you want to relive those wonder years.

- Most Importanly I Love & Adore My Precious Baby Bogey My Love Of My Life My hero My Miracle My Doggy (SON)!!!!!!!!!! If only you knew how old the person who posted this is…. I think she may also be having problems with her shift key and exclamation points.

- I easy going, sacastic, and love just get outta the house and do whatever! We haven't been speaking English too long, have we? And this from someone who claims to be a grad student in their posting's headline….

A good friend of mine (who happens to be female) and I were discussing clothes, for some God-knows-why reason. I know absolutely nothing about fashion. But I happened to mention that I had seen a woman in a wife-beater and camouflage pants earlier in the day, and that kind of turned me on a little. She responded that she's a big fan of the wife-beater and that it was odd that I brought up that combination, because her boyfriend had been trying to get her to buy camo pants.

Clothes completely make the woman. And the thing is, it's not even the fact that a woman is wearing next to nothing, it's the suggestion of sex that makes a guy nuts. That's why we go berserk when we see women wearing see-through blouses with bras or tank tops underneath or a really low-cut shirt, or chicks with super-short skirts. I mean, we'd be happy as pigs in shit if women walked around stark naked — okay, if the attractive women walked around stark naked — but what really gets us excited is the hint. The possibility. When you cover up just a little bit… well, that really fires our engines.

We know what's there. There are a lot of women who wear clothing that leaves little to the imagination. But it's still not fully accessible, and that's what makes us absolutely nuts.

Oh hell. I just realized that I hijacked my own post and veered way off-course from where I intended to go. And I'm also out of time. So I'll just end by saying this: For some unknown reason, I find women in overalls — especially jean overalls — incredibly hot.