*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

Yes, looks are definitely a factor when deciding whether you're going to (a) hit that, (b) date that or (c) marry that. I mean, sexual attraction is the difference between friends and more, so wouldn't you need to find someone attractive on the outside too in order to want to have sex with them?

However, I still think that, at least for some of us with brains in our heads, personality and intelligence makes a difference. Definitely in my case, a woman will become less attractive if the inner package isn't as attractive as the outer package. There have been times when I've engaged a target, only to break off shortly thereafter because it just wasn't worth it — I could tell she was either dumb, a materialistic bitch, way off the reservation, stuck-up or all of the above.

There are women out there who can be considered moderately physically attractive, but their appearance is just completely negated by their personalities. If presented with the opportunity to bang them, I would flat-out say no and walk away. Seriously, despite the fact that it's been a while… okay, it's been way too fucking long… I'd still turn them down if they asked. Examples include:

- Ann Coulter. If she doesn't speak, she's actually kind of an attractive woman. Long blonde hair that would be great to hang on to while I was taking her from behind, a great rack and a thin waist. But let's face it — the woman is batshit crazy. Her recent TV appearances have made me want to reach through the screen and strangle her with my bare hands. And I am so turned off by her that even if she showed up naked in my bedroom tonight, I would find the nearest bazooka to do some serious damage to her.

- Paris Hilton. Okay, so Paris isn't the most attractive woman around. I will admit that's she moderately pretty, what with the slim figure and the face that doesn't shatter mirrors. Why everyone thinks she's the most awesome thing since Helen of Troy, I don't get. Do her nipples spew beer or something? She's just plain dumb. She has no redeemable qualities whatsoever. She is medicated out of her mind most of the time. And her idea of getting attention is getting into public fights and stripping. If she showed up naked in my bedroom tonight, I would find a basement in which to lock her up in, because obscurity is the only punishment that would suit her.

- Janice on Friends. Yeah, I like brunettes. Want to make something of it? The actress who played Janice was actually pretty good-looking. But that voice… oh God, that voice… and that laugh… and the way she kept being so clingy… It just was so bad. Everyone mocked her. Even people in real life mocked her. If I were sucked into TV-land like The Last Action Hero, I still wouldn't be able to nail Janice. That would be like last-resort-save-the-human-race-while-staggeringly-drunk sex.

- My most recent ex-girlfriend. She was gorgeous. Seriously. It wasn't even just in my opinion. All of my friends thought she was hot too, which, of course, led to many questions about how the fuck I was able to land her. But several months into the relationship, things started to crop up. Like her pot addiction, which she unsuccessfully tried to cover up. Her mood swings. Her compulsive lying, which became way too damn frequent. Her immaturity. The fact that just after sex, as we were lying naked in her bed, she took phone calls from her ex-boyfriend. So when I realized that I no longer had feelings for her, despite the overwhelming desire to keep screwing because she was the best lay I'd ever had and she could keep up with my libido, I cut things off. (Of course, that's when she also took a swing at me, which is another reason why I walked away.)

Yeah, personality counts. A lot. But it also counts whether the personality is wrapped up in a nice-looking container.

Pardon me while I go all intellectual on you for a second here.

So, I read an article by Gail Sheehy, author of Sex and the Seasoned Woman, called "Why Marriage Is Good Medicine for Men." In it, she claims that marriage has actual physical benefits for men, including decreased stress, decreased chance of cancer, faster healing and lower blood pressure.

Here's the problem. The latest census says that approximately 43% of marriages end in divorce, and adultery expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Well claims that 80% of people in marriage are unfaithful. With those kinds of numbers, what's the point of even trying to reap these health benefits if the possibility exists that things will end badly?

It seems like, more and more, the institution of marriage and monogamous relationships is coming to an end. While those who actually can make things work get the bonus of these supposed added health benefits, the problem is that at least half of them end in cheating, divorce, distrust and stress. Marriage may ease stress, but a distrustful marriage increases stress, and stress increases the chance of heart attacks and other health issues. In short, a bad marriage can actually be harmful to your health.

Sheehy says that a healthy sex life also helps, because the brain releases a chemical just before orgasm called oxytocin that has beneficial effects on the body. Well, it seems in this day and age, a guy can have a healthy sex life without a monogamous relationship or marriage.

So basically, it seems like a win-win situation for certain guys. Sex gets you added health benefits, marriage gets you added health benefits, sex in a marriage gets you a lot of added health benefits. Me? I've got none of the above. So who knows how much longer I'll last?

Let me offer up this campaign to Sprint for their new cell phone campaign. You know, the one where they talk about how many minutes you have on your plan so you never have to worry about it?

SETTING: A gym
SCENE: It's a busy night at the gym. There are many people milling around. We're in the cardio workout area, replete with elliptical trainers, treadmills, StairMasters and exercise bikes.

VOICEOVER: We know you're trying to fit a lot into your life, and we know that being important is a big part of your life…

Camera zooms in on a girl on an elliptical trainer. She is pedaling so slowly that, if she were walking at that pace on solid ground, a baby could crawl faster than she's going. She is talking really, really loudly into her cell phone.

GIRL: Oh, so I totally saw through his act. He was trying to be all suave and buy me a drink, but did you see that watch he had on? So fake! He probably drives a Volkswagen or something…

VOICEOVER: We know that it's important that you have good service on your phone, so you can talk anywhere — and we mean anywhere, even if it's inappropriate…

Camera zooms out slightly, and you see people on other machines looking annoyed and turning up their headphones, trying hard to ignore the girl even though her voice is cutting through their music.

GIRL: I know, did you see what she was wearing? Gah, I mean, like who walks out of their apartment wearing that? Well, if she was willing to make that kind of mistake, I'm not going to be the one to tell her. She should know better…

VOICEOVER: We know it's not only about being important, it's making sure other people know you're important too…

Camera moves to show the line of people waiting for an elliptical trainer, some of whom have been waiting for 10 minutes. Girl continues to pedal so slowly that there's no possible way in hell she could ever get any physical benefits from this so-called "workout," completely oblivious to the fact that she's monopolizing the equipment.

GIRL: Oh, I totally want to go to that place this weekend. But we can't take my car, because it won't match my outfit. Can you drive? What do you mean, you don't want to because you'll be in heels? Did you, like, expect me to drive?

VOICEOVER: Sprint. Because when you need enough cell phone minutes to annoy the fuck out of everyone around you and completely be way too self-absorbed, Sprint has the most.

I'll preface this by saying that I was never one of those people who thought that showing off by buying a particular car was something that should be done. I don't care what kind of car you drive. In this city, the City of SUVs and High-End Luxury Cars, more often than not, I will even frown upon people who drive around like they own the road simply because they are behind the wheel of a Mercedes-Benz (Benz drivers appear to be the worst offenders) or a Porsche or something. Much as I might like to, I do not drive a sports car or a convertible or a high-end Lexus or something else absurdly expensive.

But I do drive a fairly well-kept car, and she's in good shape. (Yes, my car is female. We make an excellent team. Get over it.) She may not be flashy, but I firmly believe it's the person behind the wheel who makes the biggest difference. I had a Porsche challenge me late at night once up on Sunset Boulevard, and because he didn't know how to handle his machine, he lost. Sucker.

And I feel comfortable occasionally glancing over at a stoplight or when I'm stopped in traffic and making eye contact with some of those members of the fairer sex who happened to be in nearby cars. I'm a people-watcher, I can't help it. And there's a ton of people to be watched in Los Angeles. Plus, my car may not be eye-catching, but at least she's respectable.

That is, until my car went into the shop for some routine repairs this week. When I went to the rental car place, I told them, "I need something cheap and small." They obliged me. Enter: The Kia Rio. This thing is lucky if it has 3 cylinders in it. It was bare-bones to the point where Kia touts, among other features, dual cupholders and front-door map pockets. Wooooooo.

But I shouldn't complain. I got what I asked for — something small and cheap. The little fucker needed a headwind to make it up big hills, but it got me to work and back, even if I was relieved beyond belief when my car was ready and I could turn in this shitbox. And then I got stuck in traffic on my way up to the car rental place. And I suddenly became very aware of what I was driving.

It's very hard to make eye contact with an attractive female when you're behind the wheel of a Kia Rio. Normally, I'd scoff at someone sitting in a Lexus or an Infiniti who looked down her nose at anyone because their car wasn't good enough, but honestly? Sitting in that thing, I silently forgave anyone who might laugh at me or scorn me for being in this thing. I kept my eyes straight ahead while I was sitting in traffic or stopped at a stoplight, and I did not attempt to look at anyone. (Well, except for the meathead parking his Camaro Z28. He was fitting the stereotype so well that he deserved to be laughed at, no matter what I was driving.)

If Kia ever decides to do a full-on marketing push for the Rio, may I suggest this slogan: "The Kia Rio: You Have No Game. Zero. Don't Even Try."

So. Last night, ABC premiered its series How to Get the Guy, a so-called "romantic reality" show that follows four San Francisco chicks over six episodes on their quest for the Holy Grail — er, I mean, loooooove, exciting and neeeeeeeeeew…. They are "taking hold of their own romantic destinies and declare to the world that they are ready, willing and able to do anything and everything they have to in order to find true love," according to the glittering show description. Hooray! Look out, world, these four women are shouting from the rooftops that they are lookin' pah nub and they've got video cameras following them around to prove it!

I may retch.

For God's sake, as if women needed more input into the whole dating thing. Besides the 18,629 books out there, about 2,498 weekly and monthly magazines, the entire network of friends each woman has — not to mention the 142,571 movies out there dealing with dating and relationships — ABC is muddying the waters even more. And geez, like this is actually going to help any?

Shame on you, ABC. Shame on you, indeed. Why do you have to make it even harder for us guys? As if we don't have to compete against women's ingrained craziness and their network of crazy friends, now we have a huge weapon bearing down on us: Network television. It was bad enough with those stupid Single in the City shows on WE network, but at least they were on an obscure cable channel that no one watches.

Women, ABC is filling your head with lies. Dirty, filthy lies. And stupid entertainment. It's totally not even worth the hour you spent watching it. I promise. You can take my word for it. Would I lead you wrong?