*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

I have a confession to make about something that you might've known or realized already: I do online dating. There. I've said it. Don't you want to make fun of me now? Of course not, because you're probably doing it too. Plus, it seems that online dating has become magically delicious and socially acceptable for the masses over the past few years. I'm starting to see more of those types of women on these sites who previously would have shunned me for doing it. The Internets: They're the place to be!

Here's the problem. With some notable exceptions (hello, our friends at girlspoke!), finding interesting women online seems to be more like an adventure in spelunking — and no, that's not some new term the kids are using for something sexual. Yes, there are plenty of women on these newfangled dating sites… the problem is that they all went to exactly the same Rutherford B. Hayes School of Online Dating Profile Writing, so getting through the dense darkness of this Staten Island-sized mess of mostly identical listings and essays can make my eyes roll back in my head just before I pass out on my keyboard. And trust me, nothing repels a woman more than having my unconscious head send her an e-mail that says "sadfur;tnvhas2gurfl3kakjf-8i9."

That said, I am announcing the grand opening of the Boyspoke School of Online Dating Profile Writing. The opening itself will be celebrated by a gala event that will feature a wide variety of hors d'oeuvres and plenty of celebrities, including several webcam girls, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and my cousin Stu on the wheels of steel. (Sorry… DJ AM was booked that night.)

Here's a small sample of the courseload that we at the Boyspoke School of Online Dating Profile Writing will offer for all you crazy Internet dating ladies out there:

Introduction to Doing Stuff: We know that you all "work hard and play hard" and are seeking a guy who does the same. But come on. Do you really have to use such a trite cliché that shows up in everyone else's profile? We'll show you how to come up with witty expressions that basically say the same thing without making you sound like a stripper. Well, if you don't want to sound like a stripper. Because sounding like a stripper would probably go over well with the dudes.

Intermediate Dress: Every woman out there loves to lounge around in jeans and a t-shirt but can also get all dressed up for a night on the town. Boooo-ring! Not that we would ever presume to even know what to tell a woman what to wear (what do we look like, the Queer Eye guys?), but we can tell you the kind of stuff guys want to hear about your fashion collection and how good you look in it… or maybe not in it.

Basic Coming to Grips With What You're Doing: Fine, you never thought you'd be doing something like this. We can't tell you how many times we've heard that, both on and off the computer. Well, you're here now and you're looking for a date online. Deal with it, and just take that whole "I never thought I'd look here!" off your profile. We'll teach you how. Note: This is a special daylong seminar, not a semester-long class.

Love: Exciting, new and digital. And the Internet is the only place where a girl from Fresno can find love in the snowdrifts of Iowa without ever leaving her own living room. It's just that awesome. So let us make it even awesome-er for you — sign up for the Boyspoke School of Online Dating Profile Writing, and watch those e-mails start rolling in from sea to shining sea from guys who don't live with their parents or in trailer parks. And remember — every graduate is eligible for a "practice" date or several with me, the BSODPW Chancellor.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 30th, 2005 at 2:37 pm and is filed under rants + dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->