*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

Hold the virtual presses! Stop everything you are doing and wait. Freeze. Halt. Now listen:

When the hot ladies over at Girlspoke approached me about joining up with Boyspoke, their brother site, I knew nothing about blogging. Damn, I didn't even know what a blog was. But something appealed to me about being able to get my voice "out there," about being able to write my story and share it. It seemed like a great opportunity. Shit, it seemed downright democratic.

But sometimes democracy can be an awful, evil thing. Wait, hear me out! When our founding fathers got together and started this sweet little gem of a country, sure they paid lip service to all of us being equal, but they didn't mean it. And when Martin Luther King, Jr., fought for equality for all people, he was clearly onto something; still even he didn't want everybody to have a chance to speak up. Surely Thomas Jefferson, MLK, and all the other heroes of democracy couldn't have anticipated this man having his say:

You see, this guy who looks like a deranged bowler is actually Jason Mulgrew, a self-proclaimed "internet celebrity" and unilateral real-life fuck-up. Yet thanks to the blogging culture of today, he has a voice. As a matter of fact, he's popular.

It all happened when this week I decided to do a little research on the blogging scene. I needed to see what other dudes were writing about. I needed to see if they were as hot as me. Well, Mulgrew isn't hot. And what he writes about? Fuck, it's depressing. Let me think, was it the puking in gutters that spoiled it for me? Was it the glorification of gluttony and subsequent obesity? Or maybe it was the fact that this guy obsesses so much over girls' tits that I can't imagine that he has ever touched any.

Actually, this last point hits a nerve with me. Like so many others on the internet, Mulgrew doesn't know shit, even as he poses to be some kind of authority on not-knowing-shit. I mean, he's practically an alchemist, the way he's convinced people that being pathetic is cool. "I think he's hilarious," croaks one equally pathetic female reader. "He's kinda hot," farts another. *News Flash* Ladies, human biology would help him know what to do if he got you naked, but that only goes so far. Experience is much more useful. Experience and a cock as thick as mine. But either way, no matter how many chuckles he can get from the easily-amused by writing about how depraved his life is, it never crosses over from sick and into the realm of "kinda hot."

The trick is to stop being so democratic, and just read what is being written. For instance, Wednesday's post is titled, "a long and boring post about my terrible fucking hangover," and nothing could be more true. Mulgrew tells you that it's boring. He tells you that it's long. And he delivers on his promise. How many times can someone write about being wasted–how many times can someone writing about the abysmal aftermath of being wasted–before it all feels scripted?

This is democracy being put to bad use. As the responsible citizens of the net, you can't censor the poor schmuck, but you can definitely demand better. At least encourage him to get in shape. And meet a nice girl. Who can teach him a thing or two about tits. And about taste. And maybe about the occasional bender of sobriety. Oh man, what a sad muppet he is.

*_{And I just found out that Mr. Mulgrew has made it to the C-List over at a new site called Douchebrity…I say bump him up to the A-List.}

This entry was posted on Friday, December 23rd, 2005 at 12:46 pm and is filed under rants + unfunny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->