*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

After a bit of a jungle safari through the pubic triangle that I recently had to endure, I've wanted to turn our attention to a well-discussed topic: personal grooming. And just to make it extra, super duper clear, I'm not talking about going to the barber, beard trimming, or even taking out the old chainsaw to hack at your in-grown toenails. This is about dealing with the coitus carpet, the horny bush…this is about maintenance of the hair all around our respective "special places." Let's get this straight, plenty of ladies have their own perspectives, an excellent example of which you can see over at our sexy sister site, Girlspoke, but I want to make sure that over here at Boyspoke, we men sound off on it too. First, let's talk about the obvious–the fur of the female:

Now I can't speak for all, but I know a decent percentage of men will back me up when I beg you, ladies, to please, keep the putting green neat. Personally, and it is personal, I think the less undergrowth, the better. So if you want to mow your lawn absolutely bare, I'll be cheering and waving banners in your honor. Of course, there are women and men who both feel that the "bald" look is too reminiscent of preschool potty training, so by all means, if you're not comfortable with it, go ahead and leave a landing strip.

Maybe you want to leave a V, an arrow furry as a tarantula, or maybe you want your clover patch to sprout in the shape of a Celtic knot (which would be so corny, I'd have to jig my way right outta there), whatever, just do something with that mutant brillo. There are plenty of reasons for this, like the fact that when you leave it to look like a dead chipmunk decomposing between your legs, it reminds us of the old, practically 3-D Playboys we used to steal from our Dads' secret stashes, and trust me, those fur muffs are only good as memories. Of course, a lot of us guys just like knowing that our girl puts work into her appearance. A woman who takes the time and effort to clean herself up for you is also more likely to clean the house for you. Hehe, I'm just kidding! But you know what? Let's get to the real reason: I Need a Clear Path To Do My Work! The less wool you have, the less there is between my tongue and your…raucous orgasm. I mean, I've been perfecting my skills for ten years, and that's a decade dedicated to licking right. The last thing I want is to be held back by a pubic thicket that could deter Briar Rabbit. Keep it neat and you can be sure I'm going to take my time, find how you groove, and work it till you're forced to give an oral report.

Simple enough, right? Well, there's a less obvious component to this discussion: the boys. You see, I'm not about to start worrying about another dude's marble pouch, but as a responsible male, I gotta preach the word. I have to give testament to the righteous way. I gotta tell you all how important it is for a man to meet the same standards to which he holds his woman, and I know from experience: I've been shaving my…kiwi fruit for about three years, trimming for three before that. Yeah, that's right, shaving. With a razor. And these days, they're smooth as…

Now there are some obvious benefits. First of all, when you groom your charlies, heat decreases. That means less bauble sweat, less stanky-ass oysters, and almost no threat of jock itch. For serious. Secondly, whether you're big, small, pencil-thin, or thick like a bratwurst, the old tube steak just looks bigger when you shave or trim around it. You don't want the woman you just took home to be rifling through your hedge to find it, you want her to take one look down and see what she's been feenin' for. And remember all that shit you've heard about women being more weighted towards the "mental" aspects of intimacy, well if she thinks your pork sword is bigger than it is, it's better than nothing. Thirdly, if you like getting sucked like a straw in the desert, I can tell you right now, you'll get better and more frequent lipservice if you keep your crotch cobra out of the forest. Nobody likes coming up with some brown curly dental floss in their mouths, and ladies are the same. But there's one last reason why you should keep your gooseberries clean: it's how it makes you feel. Sure, plenty of you fuckers think you're a porn god, but this will make you feel like one. Once you shave your sack smooth as a bowling ball, there's no denying that you just groomed something that only the people you do the bone dance with will see or notice, and there's no denying that now your daily routine includes keeping yourself ready to scromp. Look like a pornoking, feel like a pornoking…act like one. It's just a simple equation.

You'll dig it, fellas, and no matter how innocent she pretends to be, your girl will love it. Unless she's into the whole bear-man thing. in which case, grow that shit out, stop showering, and only groom yourself by licking your fur. Damn, I just grossed myself out. Blech!

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This entry was posted on Friday, January 20th, at 8:44 am and is filed under girls + rants + dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->