*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

When you are, like myself, an immeasurable guru of life, it gets frustrating to be unable to help people. Watching TV, I constantly find myself seeing commercials and thinking, "if only this ad agency had consulted me first, they could have saved heaps of money on this Emeril appearance." The same thing with movies, like, was my cell phone turned off when Orlando Bloom walked into that casting call? The casting director and the world would be thanking me right now, otherwise. Then of course there is the day to day type of things I want to help people with. Like the girl who gets a crazy dress for any type of formal event–ladiess, everybody looks their best in a simple, little, black dress.

But I can only save the world one concept at a time, and today it comes to us from the various forms of personal ads you find in the world. Whether you're talking about the personals in your local paper, online "Meet Me" profiles like that of the legendary Hot or Not, or those casual interviews of single celebs you see on television where Tyra asks "what kind of person do you want to meet?"–it doesn't matter the form, you always come across the person who claims "please, no one with baggage."

Get fucking real. First of all, it's an awful metaphor. I just keep picturing an expectant young woman, waiting outside the gates at the airport, running up and throwing her arms around the man she's been waiting for, only to think, "hmm…no bags. We'd better go shopping, or else he'll be wearing the same nasty boxers the whole time he's here, and borrowing my toothbrush. Gross." Plus, I think it's simple-minded to assume that our metaphorical luggage only packs problems. If we go on vacation together, you pack your shit, I'll pack mine. That may include memories of the last time I went on vacation with an amazing woman, but it also includes plenty of practice with eating pussy and not to mention my massage oil kit.

Because, let's be honest, by age sixteen, we've all got baggage. We've all been in love only to get hurt, or we haven't, which is ripe with its own problems. We've all been shitty to someone we cared about, or we've all missed great chances, or we've all realized things about our childhood that were less than benign. Every last person, including the dimwit who asks for people without, carries baggage. I think the key is realizing that the kind of lover you want doesn't come without baggage. For me, I actually can't be serious with someone who's never been cheated on, because it's a kind of baggage that let's me know that a woman doesn't take anything for granted (like we do when we're young and imagine relationships to be Bambi style lovefests). In reality, most of you have the same kind of thing, a kind of issue that actually makes sense to you and will be meaningful to whatever kind of relationship you could have.

So next time you're on Myspace, filling out that "Who I Want to Meet" section, stop yourself before you say you don't want baggage, you don't want issues, and you don't want drama. Shit babe, that's what makes it interesting once we finally decide to take a break from the marathon humpfest that spontaneously combusts from our first meeting. We've got to talk about something other than how good it was.

If you missed the link before, come add me as a friend at myspace, I just joined up and I need some fucking friends.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 4th, at 11:21 am and is filed under rants + dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->