‘We’re no longer called Sonic Death Monkey.’
Posted on Friday, January 13th, by CJ
I have to make a confession. I've been lazy and I haven't updated my bio over there on the sidebar. I'm not in New York anymore… or Kansas, for that matter. I've packed my shiznayit and hauled it across the country to the Land of Plastic & Sun — El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula. Los Angeles, for short.
The thing that's amazed me the most is not the fact that it's been sunny and in the 70s every freakin' day. It's not that the Sunset Strip is actually smaller than I expected it to be (I was thinking it'd be more like the Strip in Las Vegas — boy, was I wrong). It's not that there are more sushi joints per square mile than anywhere else in the United States. It's the women. And I really shouldn't be surprised by this, since they've been immortalized in song and film for years. But it's just not the same until you experience it yourself.
Here's how I can sum it all up: Hoooooooly crap. There are some superhot women here. No, strike that. There are a ton of superhot women here. They're everywhere. And it's amazing. I swear to you, I've literally come within inches of getting myself into 3 or 4 car accidents because I've been people-watching.
I've been doing so much people-watching… hell, I haven't even updated my bio here. I'm almost afraid of what will happen when I go to the beach in the summertime and see all these gorgeous women dressed in next to nothing, because my head will probably explode. I'll be looking like Martin Short in that really awkward scene of Innerspace when his face is transforming from the Cowboy back into his own, which will, of course, make the women run away at warp speed.
Here's the biggest issue: I believe in the High Fidelity theory of weight class. If you haven't read the book or seen the movie anytime recently, let me refresh your memory with this quote from one of Rob's monologues:
Some people never got over 'Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana. I guess I never really got over Charlie. But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle is that you gotta punch your weight. You see, Charlie, she's out of my class. She's too pretty. Too smart. Too witty. Too much. I mean, what am I? I'm a middleweight. Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest.
Okay. Now I'd like to think I'm pretty smart, and I'd like to think I'm pretty witty. That was an unfortunate rhyme, but still. But what I recognize is that while I'm not Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, I don't look like Brad Pitt either. And the problem is that being that this is Los Angeles, there are plenty of Brad Pitt-looking guys wandering around the city who can pick up those 9.5s and 10s. Plus, given the plastic factor, I'm fairly certain those superhot hotties wouldn't give me the time of day if I asked for it while I was on fire, this being the Land of Plastic and all.
And it's not that the 9.5s and 10s would go for me if I didn't have that kind of competition either. Beauty — extreme beauty — intimidates me. Sometimes, I honestly believe that women are evil because some of the really gorgeous ones recognize the raw power they have over men since our brains just disengage when we see a hot chick and our one overriding desire becomes to do whatever the woman asks in the vain and desperate hope that she might actually bestow some (physical) affection on us. But even more so, I recognize that I have to punch my own weight class. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm outgoing, I'm relatively nice — but a 9.5, I am not. I know this, I've learned to cope with it. So I tend to avoid the upper crust and just kind of gawk at them and wonder how many guys are following them around, waiting to do their every bidding in the vain, shot-in-the-dark hope of getting one hot makeout session.
January 13th, at 11:12 am
Dude don’t get down on yourself. It’s a simple math equation that you got to figure out. Every time you see a really attractive girl with a guy that you can’t quite place your finger on, there is a reason for this. A real simple reason.
There are tons of exceedingly hot girls out there, however you, as I have learned to do, is focus on a single category of these overly attractive women. Chicks with issues. Once you learn to zone in on these girls it becomes real easy. You’re going to want to find a girl who had a boyfriend that left her for a girl that she thinks is prettier than her, thinks she’s fat, thinks she’s uglier than she is…any girl with self-esteem issue is golden. You can work with that, I have faith in you.
Here’s some tips on pulling these girls:
- Bars, clubs…look for a girl whos friend leaves her to go dancing with some guy, leaving her alone sighing, twirling her hair and sipping on a drink.
- Also at bars and clubs (you know what I don’t know how to pull chicks anywhere else, so we’ll run with this) don’t be afraid to dress kind of bummy (girls with self esteem issues will dig this because if they thought they wouldn’t find a guy otherwise they would have wore sweat pants and a t-shirt). You don’t always need to look your best…sometimes a girl really digs the t-shirt that says “I lost my number, can I have yours?” “I’m just a squirrel trying to bust a nut.” and “Hi, you’ll do.”
- Look for the girl sitting with just one friend, she’s recently lost her boyfriend, is considering dumping him, had some life altering crisis, etc. Occasionally look at her, but express more interest in talking to a friend or sipping on your drink. Hell, if you do it right you don’t even have to go after her, she’ll come to you.
Thank you for taking Ryan’s Crash Course on Playernomics.
January 13th, at 11:59 am
Beauty is subjective, my friend. And it’s fluid — a face changes as you get to know the brain behind it. I think the best trick is learning to spot the 8s, 7s and even 6s who will start looking like 9s and 10s after you’ve engaged them in a few good conversations. Or does it not work that way? Enlighten me, please.
January 13th, at 3:01 pm
Having dated a 9.5 or 10 in the past, it definitely is possible to get more than a hot makeout session. But the weightclass thing is definitely a factor. I only dated these girls because there were secretly in my weightclass. Their seemingly flawless beauty was balanced out by sheer crazy factor, baggage, and mindlessness in some cases. I think Ryan has a point, for that reason, about girls with issues.
But I think that A.W. is correct as well. I have an ex with plastic tits, and they look perfect in a swimsuit, but after a few months, the perkiness was less exciting and the feeling of synthetic mammory started getting old. Now the girl with the snaggle tooth and squished nose and who had no boobs but could talk politics and art? Well shit, I worshipped her…
January 14th, at 12:34 am
Always Write: You got one word wrong. It’s “the best trick is learning to spot the 8s, 7s and even 6s who will start looking like 9s and 10s after you’ve engaged them in a few good drinks.”
January 14th, at 9:07 am
Right, my bad. And don’t forget your Ray Ban beer goggles for the morning after — if you’re too drunk to drive her home she’s gonna have to sleep somewhere…
January 14th, at 9:55 pm
Always write, no need for that. Trust me I’ve come up with a solution for this one after a couple instances. What you need to do is look sights on a few targets early. Make sure you come to these decisions early in the night and not completely lit. If the instance comes up that all the victims…err…potentials turn you down. ABORT MISSION. Do not go looking for any backups.
Chalk it up as a loss for the night and continue on your merry way. It’s a lot easier to chalk it up as a loss at night then wake up and find out it was a total loss.
January 15th, at 1:42 am
Ryan, you talk to me like I’m a dude. I mean, I’m honored, but… Wait, you know I’m a girl, right? Shit. I thought my scrappiness was adorable, you thought it was a penis.
Also:
“It’s a lot easier to chalk it up as a loss at night then wake up and find out it was a total loss.”
What if the sex is amazing? When you boys get a little older and realize that truly great sex doesn’t just grow on trees, you’ll understand that such a thing is never a total loss.
January 18th, at 1:16 pm
CJ. You are a pussy. (no offense)
January 18th, at 1:42 pm
Chartreuse: Offense taken. You’re an asshole.
January 18th, at 5:14 pm
Now if you could muster the same confidence when dealing with a hot chick you’ll be a man.
I really do like the site, though. I even like some of your posts. I don’t think it neccesary for you to whine so much but hey, whatever works.
I’m gonna go fuck your mother. Later.
January 18th, at 6:07 pm
[…] A programming tease: I will be reviewing the Spoke Media network for my Can This Network Be Saved feature. One of the writers has already called me an asshole because of a comment I made on the site. So it should be interesting. […]
January 18th, at 8:37 pm
Chartreuse: You don’t like my style, don’t read my stuff. I don’t come to your house and fling shit at you, don’t come here and condescend to me and insult me or my family. It’s that simple.
January 24th, at 10:52 pm
I got your back, buddy.