*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

Attention, people of Earth: Do yourselves a favor and pick up a subscription to Esquire magazine. I'm not saying this because they've paid me to (they haven't), I'm not saying this because they put an almost-totally-naked chick on the front cover of this month's issue wearing only a garter (they did). I'm saying this because it is honestly the best magazine on the face of the planet, and it appeals to both sexes. Not only are the articles well-written, informative and entertaining to everyone, but the guys will dig the articles about the women and sports, and the women will enjoy the pictures of all the guys dressed up in their fancy clothes in the ads. Seriously — it's all-around goodness.

I bring this up because Esquire has a monthly feature where they get some talented hot chick to do a thing called "10 Things You Don't Know About Women." And they list off 10 things that, well, you don't know about women. I mean, the women probably already know it, but us guys may not. So, with that in mind, I'm turning the tables.

Ladies and other Internet travelers, please enjoy….

CJ's 10 Things You Don't Know About Men:

1. Seriously, we're not mind-readers. We can't stress that enough. We're pretty basic creatures, and we take things at face value. If you tell us you're all right, we're not going to go through those silly motions of asking you three times to find out what's really bothering you, and we don't want to hear you bitching later about how didn't ask you enough. Once is enough. If you don't have enough, well, balls to tell us on the first try, we shouldn't have to dig for it.
2. Yes, some of us really do read the directions. It's how we're able to quickly figure out what you've done to screw up that do-it-yourself furniture piece and be able to repair the damage before you burst into tears, thus making us look like heroes. We can't help it if you're too foolish to follow the directions properly.
3. We do cry. Really. If you don't believe me, ask my friend who was with me the night the Red Sox won the World Series. What? Tears of joy still count.
4. Those Girls Gone Wild videos? They don't do much for us. The only people who buy them are über-preppy blue bloods who think they're being deliciously naughty and teenagers who can't get their hands on actual pornos.
5. Not all of us measure.
6. No, we will not watch the WE Network with you. No one should be able to handle that much Dharma & Greg, and we secretly question what counterterrorist mind reinforcements you've been taught that you can watch all of it.
7. You can tell us about 18,000 times — we're still not going to remember which shoes are your Manolo Blahniks and what outfit they go with. [Note to the guys: I had to look that up. I swear to Jeebus that I don't know how to spell "Manolo Blahnik" — that time, I just cut and paste.]
8. As much as we love being the Man in the relationship, it's still pretty awesome if you like sports and play video games and can use a toolkit properly. It's the best of both worlds — kickass friend and hot chick we can hook up with.

9. We really don't find Paris Hilton attractive. And we have no idea why you're so obsessed with her. She's way too skinny. Yes, there are some guys out there who like women who aren't 80 pounds.

10. Okay, yes, we want to know about your ex-boyfriends. Only in certain ways. We want to know what mistakes not to make, but we only want to know about the bad stuff that we're better than them at.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 27th, at 10:42 am and is filed under girls + rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->