‘You have seven days….’
Posted on Wednesday, January 18th, by CJ
I'm a rare breed — my best friend is a woman. And there's no romantic interest between us. Oh, I'll fully admit that she's hot, and I'm definitely not alone in that opinion… it combines with her kickass personality to make an incredible package of a person. Sadly, that also means that she tends to attract basically every guy on the planet, even when she doesn't want to.
Take, for example, my recent weekend in Las Vegas. I haven't seen my best friend in five months, but we met up in Vegas for a work event along with a few hundred of our closest friends and industry compatriots. And while I always enjoy hanging out with her and sympathize with her when she gets bombarded with attention from idiot males, I secretly enjoy watching all these guys attempt to go after her. It's almost like a psychology field study… except the voice in my head that's narrating the whole thing is that of Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. "Heah, we have the fierce male predatah. Lookit him attempt to go in faw the kill. Oh, and he is rebuffed! He was readin' way too much into those signals that weren't even theah! Undaunted, he's tryin' again! And batted away!"
Here's the problem: All these guys? They never check the left hand. She's wearing a wedding ring, morons.
Okay, so I'm the dumbass who still believes in the sanctity of marriage. I'm the moron who, when I first see a woman, will check the left ring finger to see if she's unwed to determine whether I'll consider locking on target and engaging.
Despite the high percentage of women who have affairs these days (it's estimated at around 40%, for those of you keeping score at home), I still kind of believe in the Golden Rule in that respect. I wouldn't want some asshole coming between me and my hypothetical woman, so I'm not going to attempt the same thing with someone else's real woman. Plus, given there's only that 40% chance of success with a married woman, why should I put in all the effort if my chances are less than even that she'd take the bait?
Yup, I better stick to my usual M.O.: Going to bars and attempting to pick up drunk women who don't know any better and whose beer goggles make me look a bit like Colin Farrell when I'm in the proper light and at the right angle.
January 18th, at 11:31 am
You know… that looking for the ring thing takes getting used to and practice… and age. I always get mad at myself because I forget to look… until after I have started talking to someone. (Like the guy who gave me his email address after we met in a bar and I asked out to lunch, only for him to reply “I’m Married”). I guess now that I’m in the age group, where the person you are talking to may be married I better start looking.
The Mad Dater
“Because there’s a Bastard in all of us”
January 18th, at 1:52 pm
Eh, I agree with your analysis of the odds: why go to bat for a married woman when you have lower chances? And yeah, the last thing I want to promote is cheating. But I’ve found myself in the situation before, without looking for it, where it was clear that the woman was gonna screw around with somebody if I let it be me or not. I know, the moralists among you are saying I should still turn it down…
but damnit, she convinced me by pouring a fifth of Jack down my throat. How am I supposed to argue with that?!
By the way, it must suck to have a best friend who makes you hard.
January 18th, at 1:57 pm
You know what, Mickey? I’ve somehow kind of reached that Zen state where I’m not really sexually attracted to her. She’s like a sister now. And I don’t know what kind of fantasies you have about your sister (especially now that you’re living in the South), but we just tend to make fun of each other and hit each other every now & then.
January 18th, at 2:44 pm
To loose women and lecherous men. Here, here!
January 18th, at 2:51 pm
It gets tricky with the jewelry — left hand, right hand, no hand, hand in the pocket (I wrote about this in October, I think)… even when they’re not looking for extracurricular activity, people aren’t as traditional with the matrimonial symbols as they used to be. My ex didn’t (doesn’t) wear a ring. And that’s partly why he is my ex, and not “that married client who had the chutzpah to ask me out when I was 26.”
January 18th, at 2:53 pm
40 fucking percent?!
Am I the only one shocked by this?
January 18th, at 5:16 pm
Hey now, it might feel like Zen, but that five minutes of peace you get right after you’ve finished masturbating to the thought of her? I don’t think that counts as not being sexually attracted! haha.
January 19th, at 11:50 am
[…] If you have never visited, it’s 4 sites which feel like it’s run by drunken women. It’s like a private party (except for some cat named CJ who whines like he’s a belongs on The View, but those types go to parties,too.). […]