*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

So, the party I went to last night wasn't a total waste. I mean, yeah, I got some incriminating pictures of people in my industry, and I got pretty wasted too, but I didn't get any phone numbers from the hot women running all over the house. In fact, I'm not quite sure if it was the alcohol talking or if she was just being a heinous bitch, but when I attempted to talk to someone, she actually said to me, "You don't know me, so you're not allowed to talk to me." When I asked her how one gets to know her so as to be able to talk to her, she said, "Years of hanging around me and proving you're cool, so you're shit out of luck right now." And then she would've walked away had she not been waiting in line for the bathroom, so she did the next best thing — she turned away from me. (I'm not making this up, I swear.)

However, I was able to meet a chick with the hottest genetic aberration possible. See, I have this theory that women lack a particular gene that almost every guy has, and the lack of presence of this gene in women is one of the main reasons why the two sexes don't get along and there's that perception that men and women are from different planets… namely, men are from Earth, and women are from somewhere else. The gene is called L-25188120 or, simply, "The Three Stooges Gene."

This gene makes any big, dumb humor instantly accessible to and appreciated by men. It's not limited simply to The Three Stooges, but they were the first ones to take advantage of it, so the gene was named after them. Most men find this kind of humor irresistible, but women tend to avoid it and form support groups to bemoan it and write article after article about it in Cosmopolitan and Glamour about how guys need to let their "inner child" out and this is the easiest way to manifest it.

Honestly, I can't explain it, but it seems to run pretty much along sex lines — that's why I say it's genetic. There's just something funny about slapstick and stuff blowing up and people getting insulted and the dumbest and most inappropriate jokes ever, and while most guys get it, women do not. But while we may not understand the appeal of it to us, we are able to manipulate it to our advantage. Mel Brooks has made an entire career out of it. While women are off doing "retail therapy" or whatever they want to call racking up hundreds of dollars of bills for no apparent reason, we're bonding over lines from Blazing Saddles and Animal House. (I suffer from the rare disorder where I'm compelled to watch either movie, especially Blazing Saddles, whenever I'm flipping channels and see it's on TV. And it's been on a lot lately. Thankfully, I'm not the only one I know with this problem — one of my friends at work is the same way, and we actually realized last night when he called me that we had both watched it at the same time earlier yesterday.)

Right. So, the woman at the party. I was amazed to find that she actually exhibited signs of having The Three Stooges gene when she proclaimed Family Guy to be one of the funniest shows on TV. (Of course, it was later partially negated when she confessed that she hasn't watched any of the new episodes this season because she's watching Desperate Housewives instead.) And she had not only seen Blazing Saddles, but also enjoyed it! I was almost in shock, which probably explains why I accidentally proposed marriage to her right then and there. I had to instantly apologize for that, but it was an almost-instinctive impulse.

There are women out there who have The Three Stooges gene. They are extremely rare, but when you find them, it's important that you get to know them and keep them in your life, because they are kickass people. Like my best friend, who is one of the coolest people I know and just happens to be a super hot chick (stop drooling, guys, she's married — no, not to me), but who I initially bonded with over the movie Super Troopers, which is one of the dumbest yet funniest movies around. My best friend and I call each other "chickenfucker" because of Super Troopers. Now how many women do that?

Sadly, the answer is "not enough."

This entry was posted on Friday, January 6th, at 1:34 pm and is filed under girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. -->