Oh, The Places You’ll Go!
Posted on Friday, February 10th, by CJ
So, I have a bit of a confession to make. As much of a stud I am for being part of this whole Boyspoke thing — you know, being a spokesmodel for guys everywhere, much like a writer for Maxim or FHM or that goddamned idiot "Jake" who does a column for Cosmo and who I think is really a woman writing as a dude — my experiences in the bedroom are mostly that… in the bedroom.
Oh, there have been bedroom-type romps in other people's bedrooms… and living rooms… and hotel rooms… and bathrooms… and kitchens, these activities have been done in relatively "safe" areas. That said, here's a (partial) list of some places I'd like to have sex.
- In a tent at a sporting goods store. That way, it's almost like camping, but you don't have to worry about the perils of the outdoors! There aren't any bugs or snakes or bears to disturb you, the ground is smooth and not rocky, and it's climate-controlled. It's the best of both worlds!
- On a plane. Okay, I admit it — I am not a member of the Mile-High Club, and I am jealous of those who are. The only trips I've taken with significant others have been either by car or on quick crowded plane flights that lasted about an hour and weren't exactly easy to sneak away on. Plus, there was always lots of turbulence and the pilot never turned off the fasten-seatbelt sign.
- In a zoo. This is just out of pure psychological curiosity to see whether my getting-it-on would encourage other animals to do the same. Especially monkeys, since they seem to be pretty randy animals.
- In a hot tub. This one is more out of a physical test of my own abilities, because I become super tired and relaxed when I'm in a hot tub, and I'm usually unable to do much of anything when I'm in a hot tub. I'd like to know if I'm actually able to stay conscious enough to be able to engage in the act. And, you know, not get confused and attempt to hump the water jets.
- On the top of the Empire State Building. I'm not talking about that 86th Floor Observatory, although I'd like to there as well just to sully the memory of that sweet-to-the-point-of-saccharin scene at the end of Sleepless in Seattle. Not many people know that you can actually go up to the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building, which is now the tallest point a person can go in all of New York. That's right — I want to screw over all of New York.
February 10th, at 11:11 am
I’ve got to agree with you about screwing all over New York, but I also want to warn you against the hot tub idea. It’s not that it’s impossible, or necessarily bad…but it’s fucking hot!
Seriously, if you do work up the energy to do some tub scrompin’, and i know how hard it is to be virile in that relaxing an environment, the heat can seriously strain the ol’ blood pump. When I’ve done it, goddamn it felt like I was going to crack a rib just with my heart beat.
At the very least, I suggest you keep most of your body out of the water while you’re plunging her, otherwise you’ll give yourself a stroke.
February 10th, at 11:32 am
I heard that water can sometimes not be conducive for those kind of activities. I’m at work. All I’m sayin.
February 10th, at 1:39 pm
“There aren’t any bugs or snakes or bears to disturb you, the ground is smooth and not rocky, and it’s climate-controlled.”
Spoken like a true city mouse.
As for the hot tub… I think it does work better in theory than in practice. Chlorinated water tends to wash away a lot of what you need.
February 10th, at 3:21 pm
LOL. I luv A-Dub.
February 10th, at 7:40 pm
hot tubs, not so much. go to a chelsea gallery with a little video installation room, and it’s all dark and air-conditioned….sweet!
February 14th, at 10:15 am
I had sex in a hot tub once with 4 people in it. Ok, to clear up the possible syntactical confusion of that last sentence, I had sex with ONE person in a hot tub that was occupied by FOUR people.
Aren’t I cool?
February 14th, at 10:19 am
Oh shit, I just read that part about the Mile High club. Talk about overrated. The last plane I was in had a bathroom so small that there was no WAY to bang in it. You would *definitely* have wall-bangage and major noise - you’d be so busted.
We’re talkin a bathroom so small that a fat fucker would have a hard time just turning around in it.