Gents, By The Numbers
Posted on Friday, March 24th, by CJ
Last week, in a gala event in Norway, the Institute for the Betterment of Men Everywhere released the long-awaited results of a survey they've been conducting with men around the world over the past two decades. The results were originally scheduled to come out three years ago, but someone accidentally spilled coffee on the mainframe running the numbers, which fried everything, and they had to start over with the computations.
I say this because some of the results were disputed, and some were received with a small amount of incredulity from the female community. But the U.S. Bureau of Weights & Measures hired themselves some interns, paid them in donuts and had them triple-check the figures, and everything checked out*.
Now that you know the history behind the survey, I thought it would be wise for me to share with you some of the results. Mind you, the Institute surveyed a lot of men. A metric assload of men. Quite frankly, they talked to almost every dude on the planet. So if some of the results aren't socially acceptable to you, well, blame someone in a continent far away who you'll never meet — please don't take it out on the guy you have a crush on. And please don't take it out on me either… I need as much love as I can get these days.
On cheating:
- 47% thought about cheating on their attachments with a woman
- 5% thought about cheating on their attachments with a man
- 13% thought putting peanut butter on their nether regions and letting their dog lick it off is not cheating
- 1.4% actually did the above
- 18% of those who did actually preferred it to their attachment's abilities
- 78% got tired of this line of questioning about peanut butter and dogs
- 43% believed in the "across state lines doesn't count" rule
- 82% believed in the "if you're too drunk to remember, it never happened" rule
- 38% believed in the "different area codes doesn't count" rule, but some of those respondents were hesitant given the fact that many people live in places that are different from their area code thanks to cell phones
- 12% were wary of cheating because they didn't want to get caught and dumped
- 3% were wary of cheating because of the guilt
- 85% were wary of cheating because Lorena Bobbitt gave their attachments ideas
On sex:
- 98% believe in little French maid costumes being worn
- 1% believe in the man wearing the little French maid costumes
- 75% believe in sex in public places
- 92% can tell when the woman's faking it
- 97% have consistently satisfied their lovers
- 2% have had to fake it themselves
- 3% yankee their wankee regularly
- 99% preferred actual human beings to mechanical or manual achievement of sexual endgoals
- 1%, when asked, actually pondered what it would feel like to have intercourse with a sheep for longer than five seconds
On dating and relationships:
- 81% firmly believed the woman should say "I love you" first
- 98% wanted the woman to at least offer to pick up the tab on the first date
- 52% felt that picking up the tab on the first date should mean at least some smooch action that night, unless things went horribly
- 23% felt that picking up the tab on the first date should mean he should get laid that night, even if things went horribly, unless she was fugly
- 64% wish they were members of the Mile-High Club
- 56% believe in the three-day rule when calling a woman back in the early stages of a relationship
- 75% believe in the five-day rule when calling back a woman you've just met
- 89% thought that if a woman you're e-mailing with from an online dating site returns your notes 20 minutes after you send her messages, she's needy and psychotic and should be dropped
- 28% believe in the three-day rule when calling back a woman you've just slept with for the first time
- 8% believe in never calling a woman back after you've just slept with her for the first time
*All results have an error margin of +100%.