Women We’d Do … And Why
Posted on Wednesday, March 8th, by CJ
Is it any wonder that you keep seeing the same famous women pop up on the covers of magazines like Maxim or Stuff or Spank Fantasies? (Uhh… okay, so maybe you're not seeing that one on your local newsstand… or in our bedrooms.) They're representatives of a larger picture… kind of like ambassadors from the various types of women we're attracted to for different reasons. And now, I'm going to give you some examples and tell you why, because I'm sick of answering questions about why I drool over particular women.
1. Angelina Jolie. Helloooooooo, hotness! Ms. Jolie is not only gorgeous and moderately intelligent (I say "moderately" because I can't explain anyone's desire to adopt half of Southeastern Asia), but she's also got that dangerous streak. She's the kind of woman who would roar up on a motorcycle, throw us on the back, take us drinking where she's probably do more straight shots of Jack than we could ever handle, then take us home, handcuff us to the bedframe and do unspeakable and extremely pleasurable things to us for hours and hours and hours. Yes, I know there was some… ahem… augmentation, shall we say, when she played Lara Croft, but she's still a bad-ass. However, there's still that element of craziness that both appeals to us and scares us just a wee bit — yeah, that whole carrying-around-a-vial-of-Billy-Bob's-blood thing? Not so attractive… and the fact that she married a guy named Billy Bob also gives us pause. However, it still goes without saying that she is a representative of the Dangerously Hot Woman clan.
2. Jennifer Aniston. Why would we feel bad for her when Brad Pitt dumped her ass? It gives us a chance to pick her up now! (And yes, Jen and I had a moment recently when we saw each other while driving on Wilshire Boulevard. I'm sure she was impressed by me and my Honda as she passed me in her shiny new BMW Z4 convertible that probably costs more than I make in three years.) Jen's, well, cute. She is the epitome of cute. She emanates that kind of naivete that belies the fact that she's grounded and doesn't have a huge ego and may even be a little insecure about the fact that she's a super hot chick. Yes, Jen comes from the whole Super Cute Girl-Next-Door group. You won't see her posing in suggestive poses while wearing a bathing suit in any magazines, but Lord knows there are hordes of men from coast to coast who would pay metric assloads of money to see it.
3. Teri Hatcher. I think it goes without saying that the woman just exudes sex. From every pore. If you could bottle her sex appeal and sell it at drugstores, women all over the country would be getting laid 10 times a day. Teri is the kind of woman who you could take to a family function or a party and you know she wouldn't embarrass you, but you know that every guy in the place — even the married ones — would so want to be you because afterwards, you're taking her home to do all kinds of naughty things to her because she's just a sex kitten. Meow, indeed. She could easily blend in at a martini bar or a wine and cheese soirée or another classy setting, but once she gets home and slips out of that dress, it's good night class and good morning hornball! Teri is easily defined as a member of the Woman genre — not a "girl," not a "chick" and not just a "woman"… but a Woman. When the plans were initially drawn up for species to populate the Earth, she was the prototype for Lexus-level females.
4. Jessica Alba. There's only one word that can really describe Jessica, and that's "yummy." She is just all-around perfect physically, and that shot of her in only a bra and panties in Fantastic Four will probably linger with many a man for years after the DVD is in the "$5-10 bargain" bin at Best Buy. But not only that… Jessica is fun. She's the kind of girl who is up for a beach volleyball game, a spontaneous roadtrip or a family picnic. And like the Woman, she won't embarrass you and will impress all your friends and relatives — the relatives will tell you she's "quite a nice girl" and the friends will tell you "she's fuckin' hot, dude." She's got that young innocence and playfulness that makes it fun to be around her, but you definitely would give almost anything to see her naked and make out with her for hours on end. The Hot Girl is not a sex toy, even though she's great in the bedroom, but she's a good partner-in-crime who you also are incredibly attracted to.
March 9th, at 9:25 am
Some pretty controversial picks there.
You think Jessica Alba is hot?? Pretty edgy… Me thinks you might have just picked the 4 women that were on the cover of US weekly this week or something.
Your stuff is usually a lot better then this. I actually think it is awesome normally.
March 9th, at 11:55 am
Dude, maybe there’s a reason why they’ve all been on the cover of US Weekly. They know what will attract our attention while we’re waiting on line in the supermarket.
March 9th, at 1:08 pm
Your picks definately sound like a p-diddy remix that samples 3 out of 4 tracks from virtually any publication out there, and uses a single snare of originality by way of Teri Hatcher. Albeit, it was atonal and slightly repulsive to say that she made it to the list of women, “we’d do…” Perhaps, changing the title to “women I’d do..and why” would be more appropriate.
If she’s the target of your infatuation, then consider replacing the jergens with wrinkle cream remover, and throw in Paula Abdul to that badgirl list.
March 9th, at 1:10 pm
*I* wouldn’t do Paula Abdul. Umm, yeah, mental stability is an attractive thing, and she’s not exactly bursting at the seams with it.
March 9th, at 2:42 pm
My point is, if you had said something like Mena Suvari and talked about the scene from American Beauty it would have at least had some insight. Or Mrs. Crabaple from the simpsons because she’s dirty. It was just a very safe play.
And mental stabilty? I thought it was *do*, not plan the rest of your life with. Crazy chicks are no slouches when its time to get down.
March 9th, at 5:11 pm
I think y’all are kind of missing the point here — this was an explanation as to why these particular women are ubiquitous on magazines and how they are representatives of a larger cross-section of women. This wasn’t me picking out four of the most popular women in America and saying I’d sleep with them. This is me saying that they’re the most public representatives of certain groups of women and explaining to those who don’t understand what kind of characteristics about those groups are appealing.
March 10th, at 9:03 am
Dangerously Hot Woman
Super Cute Girl Next Door
Woman woman
The Hot Girl
They sound like super-heroines… which is fun, in a Marvel kinda way, but i’m thinkin you forgot some:
The Adorable Brainiac: This chick can easily run mental circles around you, unwittingly makes you feel as though you posess the intillect of a doormouse, and yet you keep coming back for more. Why? Because under that dowdy sweater and those horn-rim glasses perched on the end of her nose, she’s a ball of fire just wating to be stoked.
Quirky Artsy Chick: Sure, she walks around with paint smeared on her left cheak, she wears the same kind of shoes your mother wore in High School, and she doesn’t own clothes that don’t have plaster caked to them. She’s also exceptionally creative, which means you get to try things you didn’t even know existed. How cool is that?
The Amazon: She can beat you in a game of one-on-one without breaking a sweat. She redefines the word “stamina”. You can live with the fact that she towers over you in heels… right?
The Insatiable Nymphomaniac: When the telephone rings at midnight, you always know who’s on the other end. She’s got an itch, and she wants YOU to scratch it. Don’t expect her to be there in the morning, though… by the time the sun comes up, this girl’s done her disappearing act, leaving only a smudge of lipstick on your cheek and the faint scent of perfume on your pillow as evidence she was there.
March 13th, at 5:02 pm
I like the way porce thinks!
And, in place of Teri Hatcher…I’d prefer the woman that plays Jim’s wife on “According to Jim”……her name escapes me at the moment..but I can picture her body quite clearly. But she doesn’t fit the criteria because she’s not on the covers of magazines all the time.
February 11th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
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