Excuse Me, Miss….
Posted on Friday, April 14th, by CJ
Please answer the following multiple-choice questionnaire to the best of your ability. The Boyspoke Institute of Better Understanding Women & Stuff appreciates your candor, honesty and willingness to expose your innermost secrets.
1. Ever been on a blind date?
a) Sure, I trust my friends.
b) Nah, I don't need to be set up.
c) Holy crap, no, like I'd allow myself to be set up with some psycho??
2. Do you believe in premarital sex?
a) No, I'm saving myself for the big M.
b) Yes, but when I'm in a committed relationship.
c) Fuck yes, and as often as possible!
3. Ever used online dating?
a) I've poked around on sites before, but never actually signed up.
b) No, I go out into the public and meet people in realtime. Online dating is for dorks.
c) What, this site isn't an online dating site?
d) I'm on eight sites… hang on, I have to update my profile on three of them right now.
4. When making out, what's best to have playing in the background?
a) Barry White
b) John Legend
c) The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
d) Portishead
5. Would you date a single parent?
a) Hell no, I want to own my own rugrats.
b) No, I want some time with my lovely before we have kids.
c) Maybe, but I can't believe you used the word "lovely."
d) Sure, why not?
6. Would you date a friend's ex?
a) Why not? They broke up. Their loss, my gain.
b) Only with permission.
c) Hell no, I don't touch ex-meat.
April 14th, at 10:42 pm
Q1: Ever been on a blind date?
A1: Yeah, once or twice, but they don’t typically go well. The last time, she said, ‘But he’s just like your ex!’… well no wonder I didn’t like him… there is, after all, a reason he’s my EX!
Q2: Do you believe in premarital sex?
A2: c-ish… I wouldn’t say “As often as possible!”, but I definitely like to get mine.
Q3: Ever use online dating?
A3: Eh, not through like, hook-up sites, but I’ve been on a date or two with a guy from the internet. It’s been mixed, but for the most part, it’s been a positive experience on my end. Can’t answer that question for their half, though…
Q4: When making out, what’s best to have in the background?
A4: Nothing. I like the sound kissing makes.
Q5: Would you date a single parent?
A5: I wouldn’t rule it out completely on the basis that he’s got kids, but I’d think long and hard about it. I don’t particularly like children, and it feels like the wrong thing to do to get serious about a guy when I know there’s no chance of it progressing. I hate to hear, “Oh, but my kid’s different… you’ll love little Johnny Jr.!” — No, man, I really won’t… and I’m pretty sure you’re snot-nosed brat is just about like every other snot-nosed brat. I’m just not interested.
Q6: Would you date a friend’s ex?
A6: B, mostly. Yeah… so that’s probably why I don’t have many female friends.
p.
April 17th, at 4:43 am
1. Ever been on a blind date?
b) Nah, I don’t need to be set up.
2. Do you believe in premarital sex?
c) Fuck yes, and as often as possible!
3. Ever used online dating?
a) I’ve poked around on sites before, but never actually signed up.
4. When making out, what’s best to have playing in the background?
d) Portishead
5. Would you date a single parent?
c) Maybe, but I can’t believe you used the word “lovely.”
6. Would you date a friend’s ex?
c) Hell no.
April 17th, at 7:15 pm
1. Ever been on a blind date?
a) Sure, I trust my friends.
I find most people interesting. I’ve only been on a blind date once - it was all right because neither of us expected True Love. And if I happen to have a bad time, I assume the guy is pretty bored out of his skull too, and we can agree to disagree and “meet up… sometime.”
2. Do you believe in premarital sex?
c) Fuck yes, and as often as possible!
With discretion.
3. Ever used online dating?
e) Once.
Still haven’t decided whether sifting through purple penis pictures and e-mails that were possibly written with just one hand were worth it. But, given nerve.com and a few other cool sites, might put a profile up.
4. When making out, what’s best to have playing in the background?
a) Barry White
Not. Barry White reminds me of my parents, “Passion Parties” (tupperware party setups for people to sell adult toys) and Ally Mcbeal. Happy noises are much more fun to listen to.
5. Would you date a single parent?
c) Maybe, but I can’t believe you used the word “lovely.”
Maybe, but if things turn serious, I’d have to see if me and the rugrat get along.
6. Would you date a friend’s ex?
b) Only with permission.
And then, only if the friend’s ex and I hit it off really well. Because although it’s courteous to respect the friend, True Love etc. gets all sorts of exceptions.
April 19th, at 12:05 am
1. Ever been on a blind date?
a) Sure, I trust my friends.
I chose this because I’m open-minded to new people, but I’ve never been single at any point in my life when I thought, “Gee, I wish I wasn’t single.”
2. Do you believe in premarital sex?
b) Yes, but when I’m in a committed relationship.
To clarify, I don’t believe that pre-marital sex is in any way sinful, nor is it the decision for every man and woman. I, however, waited for marriage, and I know the experience would have been cheapened if I hadn’t.
3. Ever used online dating?
None of those answers apply - I met my husband online, but not on purpose.
4. When making out, what’s best to have playing in the background?
NOTHING. I love the sounds of kisses and breaths.
5. Would you date a single parent?
c) Maybe, but I can’t believe you used the word “lovely.”
It would depend on my age. At 20, I wouldn’t, at 30, if a spark existed, definitely.
6. Would you date a friend’s ex?
c) Hell no, I don’t touch ex-meat.
I’m viciously, viciously loyal both to lovers and to friends, and when a relationship ends, assuming I wasn’t friends with said ex, I’m on the side of my friend and sever all contact. (Obviously, I’ve never had a friend who had a healthy break up.)
April 21st, at 5:22 pm
1. Ever been on a blind date? - a) Sure, I trust my friends.
I’ve never dated anyone who’s blind as of yet, however I most certainly would trust my friends to set me up with a hot mama whom life has cruelly denied the ability to see my imperfections.
2. Do you believe in premarital sex? - c) Fuck yes, and as often as possible!
Doesn’t matter if you believe in pre-marital sex because, really, pre-marital sex believes in you. When you are relishing in celibacy, fancy free and uncomplicated by thoughts of moist parts combining in bliss, when you think you can control your sex drive and cajones… right then… you get an offer you can’t refuse. Plenty of time for abstinence when you’re dead.
3. Ever used online dating? - c) What, this site isn’t an online dating site?
In Soviet Russia, online site dates you. Everything is a dating site, even non-dating sites are dating sites and perhaps better dating sites. Why approach someone in a bar and take a wild risk when you can pull out the menu and go shopping.
4. When making out, what’s best to have playing in the background? - d) Portishead
Definitely gives the neo-classical black leather couch studio apartment that tortured, suicidal love. Very Romeo and Juliet meets Philip Glass halfway to the cutter next door silently repeating Metallica lines in his head.
5. Would you date a single parent? - b) No, I want some time with my lovely before we have kids.
A friend of mine dated a single mother. His story went as such: they are making out, hot and heavy in the upstairs bedroom. Seperation has flowered their passionate blooms, her underwear is off, balled up on the floor and his hand indisposed. A car pulls up outside, he thinks nothing of it and pushes her toward sweet release. The front door slams. “Oh my god, it’s my kids, here put this on…” Yikes. High school bizzaro land.
6. Would you date a friend’s ex? - b) Only with permission.
Basic code of the school yard which means b) only if my friend can beat me up.