Why I Won’t Screw Paris Hilton
Posted on Tuesday, June 6th, by CJ
Oh hell no. Seriously. And I had the chance. You know she digs the Boyspokesmen. (Okay, Boyspokesman. Really, aren't there any guys out there who can put a coherent sentence together who want to rant about women and sit around, playing poker and smoking cigars and watching porn in the super-comfortable Boyspoke Lounge and Liquor Mart? I can't keep this up all by myself.)
I still don't get the appeal of Ms. Hilton. She is — how do I say this politely? — dumb as a fucking concrete block. And she's got the charisma of one. She's not even attractive. Let me call attention to one thing that everyone seems to have overlooked: SHE HAS NO BREASTS. That whole Carl's Jr. commercial where she was soaped up and dressed in next to nothing? It was actually a little nauseating. Yeah, here's a riddle for you: What's got two thumbs and won't ever eat at Carl's Jr. again? This guy!
By the way? That dog? Tinkerbell, or whatever its name is? It's a prop for her. Whenever the cameras aren't on her, she drops the dog like a wet rag and lets her entourage swarm around her and practically trample the dog. Then the cameras turn back on, she scoops up the dog and it's suddenly the Most Precious Thing in Her Life Ever. Yeah. Right. She's about as sincere as Bill O'Reilly apologizing to a liberal.
The fact that she's seen as the epitome of the American Woman, the top of the food chain in the social scene, the peak of conquests… well, that's just plain dumb. I'm officially kicking off the Down With Paris Hilton campaign. Down with Paris! I fart in her general direction. A lot. And not just because I've just downed a six-pack and I've got gas.
The suggestion box is wide open for you to toss in various names of who you'd nominate for the American Woman. Let democracy run its course!
June 7th, at 1:25 pm
I vote for Jennifer Aniston.