The Gold Digging Scale
Posted on Wednesday, February 8th, by Mickey
So. Two weeks ago I brought up the topic of what Kanye might call "Gold Digging." I wrote that post, convinced that everyone (gents and ladies) would know what I was talking about: women sucking the life and dreams out of men in the form of money. Now, I might have made it seem like I thought all women were engaged in this form of sexual extortion, but the truth is that I know there are some quality ladies out there who couldn't care less about how much bacon their men bring or have brought home. Even knowing this, I was still a bit surprised about the number of women commenting that they are not only uninterested in money, but that they are part of the female norm, which thinks outside the boundaries of a man's wallet! The norm?! Sure, I've been dating the wrong women, but I'd say the right women are much harder to find once you start heading away from the American coastline…
But before we all rethink this issue, let's just stop and gather some data. In order to do that, I've created a tool to help us measure where individual women fall on a five-point scale of blood-sucking. Men, where do the women you know fall on this scale? Women, how do you measure up? Here's the rubric, from highest to lowest score:
5 - Suga Mama
Nothing's too good for your man, including a weekly allowance in the ten-thousands and the German sports car of his choice. He doesn't have to have a job, in fact you prefer a grateful pauper, just as long as can fuck you right when you want to be thanked. You may be the perfect woman.
4 - The Pioneer
You want to split the check, split the rent, and split oral sex duties equally. And if he buys you something, it'd better be thoughtful, meaningful, and within his budget, because he can't buy your love (especially on credit). You may want us men to split the role of homemaker with you, but you're a keeper.
3 - G.I. Jane
You are the foot soldier of the cultural status quo: you don't need to be pampered all the time but you "like when a man shows he really cares by" taking you out to dinner, buying you flowers, taking you on vacation, and doing whatever it takes to slip a gi-normous diamond on your finger. You contribute to social oppression, but (who am I kidding?) odds are stacked that I'm going to have to marry one of you so I'd better pretend like I'm feelin' it.
2 - Prostitute
You accept money in order to not only fuck & suck, but also (services vary according to regional and qualitative differentials) to act like you enjoy it. Hey, you may be a dirty slut, but at least we get what we pay for.
1 - Trophy Wife
Your man better be rich, powerful, and able to exist without blowjobs, because if he buys you an Italian villa he might be lucky enough to get you to lay like a dry corpse while he humps you missionary. Sex? That's what his mistresses are for. You're just there to look good and take his credit card to Bergdorf. You're pretty much the lowest scum on the face of the planet, but goddamn are you f-i-n-e: I want to fuck you bad!
So what is it, ladies? Where do you fall on this scale? And let's be honest: would you marry a man who can't afford to buy you an engagement ring other than what's available for 50 cents at the supermarket? How often will you really pick up the tab for dinner? Here's the question, how about when a guy first asks you out by saying, "Hey. My name's Mickey. Nice to meet you. You're pretty gorgeous, and you seem like a fun person. Would you like to go with me down to the parking lot of the evangelical church and make fun of people as they walk out of the service all looking strangely identical to each other?"
For ladies who score a 5 on the scale, I've always been more partial to white metals like silver and platinum over gold, and I've got a soft spot for green Jags…
February 8th, at 3:05 pm
i’m a 4. But none of my girlfriends under 30 are anything more than a 3. its a generational thing.
February 8th, at 3:26 pm
ahhh, interesting. The generational variable…
February 8th, at 3:28 pm
I’d disagree - I’m definitely a 4 with my guy and I’m only 25. Although I have been known to be an exception to most rules.
February 8th, at 3:51 pm
I’d have to disagree also, I’m a 4 and I’m 22.
February 8th, at 7:23 pm
3 over here…
does that mean i’m a bitch?
February 8th, at 10:40 pm
It’s not age-related. My last gf was 25 and rated a 2.75. And I dated a 32-year-old who was around that rating too.
Mickey, I think you ought to try the George Costanza opener: “Hello, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents. Would you go out with me?”
February 8th, at 11:00 pm
I can be a 5 or a 2 if it’s just someone I’m sleeping with. In a relationship, it’ll have to be a 4.
In response to CJ’s post, I will admit that I’m a little leery of unemployed men. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I dated someone who didn’t have a job and let’s just say there was a reason why he didn’t have one/couldn’t hold one down. Since then, and with assorted other stories from my girlfriends with similar experiences, it just makes me nervous. In their defense though, and to quote Kanye, it really is about ambition…
Then again, I’ve always been partial to blue collar men who work with their hands. Rrrrr…..
February 9th, at 4:38 am
Definitely disagree, I’m 24 and I’m a solid 4.
Those 3 and below are fucking awful.
February 9th, at 9:27 am
@Jenna: being a bitch can be completely indepedent of your score, hehe.
@CJ: something about George Costanza doesn’t make me want to model myself after him…maybe his constant failure? haha. Besides, I have a job, it just doesn’t pay me above the poverty line…
February 9th, at 11:58 am
I’m a 3 with leanings toward 4. Or a 4 with leanings toward 3. Depends on the guy and, honestly, his financial situation. Someone po’ like me, we split almost everything. Someone like my ex, who raked in more than a quarter million each year, I didn’t exactly beat myself up about letting him pay for lunch or my plane ticket to San Francisco.
And Mickey? You had me at “make fun of people.”
February 9th, at 1:23 pm
Be careful Lucy. Us 3’s are really fucking sensitive and prone to violence.
February 9th, at 2:26 pm
@always write: now you’re heading into grey areas when you talk about how much you accept depending on how much the man makes…for instance, i’m mostly broke, but if you accept my skills in the bedroom, that’s infinitely more valuable than the plane tickets you used to get from your ex.
@Jenna: trying to start a brawl, are ya? An attempt to compensate for your immorality at promoting sexism? hehe.
One thing I have yet to theorize is the correlation between your Gold Digging score and your ability to bust some skull.
@abouttown: when you say “who work with their hands,” does being an amateur masseur count?
Shit, though. Boyspoke must be my salvation, though, because I’m in heaven with all these women scoring a 4! (where are you, 5s?)
February 9th, at 7:22 pm
I’ll take an honest orgasm over a lobster dinner any day.
And the plane ticket was only once. For the record, he offered to buy me a $300 necklace in a Sausalito jewelry store while we were on that trip and I said, “Thank you, but no.”
February 10th, at 1:15 am
Orgasm vs Lobster: now this is a conundrum I don’t think I’ll ever have to face. hah.
February 10th, at 9:13 pm
i’m a solid four. i really like to treat the guy i’m with, but i’m no millionaire. i’m big on surprises, and (when i get a bonus or end up with some extra cash) springing for an impromptu weekend away or an extravagent gift, but i’ve no interest in a man who wants to sit back and let me take care of him. that’s not what i’m about, so why would i want a man who is? it should always be equal (i figure, anyway).
February 11th, at 3:29 pm
mickey: only if you keep your boots on . . .
February 11th, at 4:54 pm
@Raspberry: equality–woot woot!
@abouttown: that shouldn’t be a problem, i can play cowboy, if there are willing cowgirls
February 12th, at 5:10 pm
giddy up!!