*boyspoke…we’re not kidding around*

Yes, looks are definitely a factor when deciding whether you’re going to (a) hit that, (b) date that or (c) marry that. I mean, sexual attraction is the difference between friends and more, so wouldn’t you need to find someone attractive on the outside too in order to want to have sex with them? […]

Pardon me while I go all intellectual on you for a second here.
So, I read an article by Gail Sheehy, author of Sex and the Seasoned Woman, called “Why Marriage Is Good Medicine for Men.” In it, she claims that marriage has actual physical benefits for men, including decreased stress, decreased chance of cancer, […]

Let me offer up this campaign to Sprint for their new cell phone campaign. You know, the one where they talk about how many minutes you have on your plan so you never have to worry about it?
SETTING: A gym
SCENE: It’s a busy night at the gym. There are many people milling […]

I’ll preface this by saying that I was never one of those people who thought that showing off by buying a particular car was something that should be done. I don’t care what kind of car you drive. In this city, the City of SUVs and High-End Luxury Cars, more often than not, […]

So. Last night, ABC premiered its series How to Get the Guy, a so-called “romantic reality” show that follows four San Francisco chicks over six episodes on their quest for the Holy Grail — er, I mean, loooooove, exciting and neeeeeeeeeew…. They are “taking hold of their own romantic destinies and declare to […]

Oh hell no. Seriously. And I had the chance. You know she digs the Boyspokesmen. (Okay, Boyspokesman. Really, aren’t there any guys out there who can put a coherent sentence together who want to rant about women and sit around, playing poker and smoking cigars and watching porn in the […]

The line from Clueless really is true: “Sometimes, you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.” Then again, as if we really needed any reminders?
Here’s the thing, though — it’s summertime, especially here in Los Angeles. Summer means tank-tops. […]

You know that picture of the aftermath of a couple having sex on a dusty car hood? Snopes says it may not be real! Gasp! Insert shock and awe! My world is crumbling as I write this.
My entire perspective on things having been thrown into disarray, I began wondering […]

It’s time once again for me to bring forth the spectre of online dating. This time, I’m not going to talk about my own experiences with it… no, this time, I’m going to take a look at other people’s profiles and mock them openly. Realize that these are lines from actual, real, […]

A good friend of mine (who happens to be female) and I were discussing clothes, for some God-knows-why reason. I know absolutely nothing about fashion. But I happened to mention that I had seen a woman in a wife-beater and camouflage pants earlier in the day, and that kind of turned me on […]

Some random search engine request — “math equation explain what women do” — led some poor schmuck to this site. And honestly? If there was a math equation to explain why women do what they do, it’d take someone more brilliant than Einstein, Newton and Stephen Hawking combined to hash that math out. […]

My ex-girlfriend was propositioned for a three-way.
No, not now. I have no idea if she has since I dumped her, since she went psycho on me and I haven’t spoken to her or seen her in several months. But that’s another story for another entry. But while we were together, she was […]

So now I know what it feels like.
I was at a club on Saturday night, out on the dance floor, when some random drunk dude came up to me, grabbed me by the hand, actually twirled me around and told me, “I love your shirt, man.” (I was wearing just a plain old Jimmy […]

It’s been well-documented. There are two kinds of guys out there: Boob men and ass men. I am of the first round — I am most definitely a boob man.
The thing is, Los Angeles is the best place in the world for a boob man like me. This place […]

You sit down at the table in a local popular restaurant on this, your first date. You’ve exchanged some e-mails and chatted a bit on the phone before, having met — gasp! — on an online dating service. It’s your first time really seeing him, since his picture was a little blurry, and […]

Bachelorhood rocks.
I live alone. I do what I want, when I want and with who I want. I answer to no one except those who I choose to make plans with. I wear what I want, I go out as late as I want, I go out with who I […]

So I recently joined a gym. Yes, yes, let’s forego all the pleasantries about how women don’t like men with expanding asses and burgeoning stomachs. That would probably be one of the main reasons why I’m putting good money down to go into that Building of Masochism™ a few times a week to […]

I’ve thought long and hard about le click and its impact upon my dating life. And I’ve taken into account advice from my best friend, a slew of other friends and random strangers. But I’ve come to the conclusion that, well, I need to follow my gut.
Yes, I know that whole […]

Please answer the following multiple-choice questionnaire to the best of your ability. The Boyspoke Institute of Better Understanding Women & Stuff appreciates your candor, honesty and willingness to expose your innermost secrets.
1. Ever been on a blind date?
a) Sure, I trust my friends.
b) Nah, I don’t need to be set up.
c) Holy crap, no, […]

Pop culture is perpetuating such fallacies — that’s FALLACIES, not phallacies — about men and our habits. So it’s a little hard for women to distinguish what’s real and what’s not, and I don’t blame them. Thank Jeebus there’s guys like me to set the record straight.
Myth: Men name their, […]

I was reading this article about “Spunky Single Girl” — you know, the character that’s basically the stereotype of just about every single TV sitcom out there. If you own a TV or have ever watched TV or maybe have only just heard of TV, you know of some TV show that features Spunky […]

Okay, so guess what? I’ve actually been dating recently. Maybe that’s one reason why I was late with this post. And yes, real women, not just, you know, imaginary dates or hookers. I’m sorry — they prefer the term “escorts.”
Anyways, I’m a little conflicted at the moment. And for once, […]

So I’ve recently become obsessed with this new social-networking site where it’s all about “tagging” people with descriptors — and you’re rated by popularity according to how many people give you a “thumbs-up” on your profile. Needless to say, I now check my profile about 18 trillion times a day to see how I’m […]

Wow, people are actually turning to me for advice. Suckers. I mean, awesome! I love giving advice, just as long as I don’t have to take it myself.
Okay, so what does it mean when a guy who’s gay is always saying that if he weren’t gay, he would totally want to marry […]

Last week, in a gala event in Norway, the Institute for the Betterment of Men Everywhere released the long-awaited results of a survey they’ve been conducting with men around the world over the past two decades. The results were originally scheduled to come out three years ago, but someone accidentally spilled coffee on the […]

Listen up, ladies. The time has come for you to decide: Is chivalry alive and well, or do you want a level playing field?
You want equal pay, equal rights in the workplace and equal benefits. I’ve got no problem with that. But when you then turn around and demand […]

Okay, so the last entry on this topic wasn’t so well-received. Apparently, it was construed that I was just being a lemming and taking women from the front pages of supermarket tabloid mags. What y’all didn’t seem to grasp is that I was trying to explain why those women are perpetually on those […]

So I keep a spare e-mail address. Actually, more than one. The function of these spare e-mail addresses is to keep me safe from the insane masses out there — because believe you me (and my friends who have heard my multiple Dates From Hell stories), there are some crazies out there, and […]

So, have you been having fun reading these here missives from the Boyspoke staff? Wonder what it would be like to kick back in the Boyspoke lounge with us cool kids, drink some beer (or Jack or Stoli or whatever your drink of choice is) that’s being served to you by gorgeous women, while […]

Is it any wonder that you keep seeing the same famous women pop up on the covers of magazines like Maxim or Stuff or Spank Fantasies? (Uhh… okay, so maybe you’re not seeing that one on your local newsstand… or in our bedrooms.) They’re representatives of a larger picture… kind of like ambassadors […]

As I have gone to female friends for “translations” of what particular things said to me by women actually mean in realtime, so I have also served for a reverse male-to-blunt-English translator for women. However, I keep seeing the same kinds of requests show up, so, as a public service, I present to you… […]

Los Angeles Pre-Proposition Questionnaire

Before I attempt to engage you, the female, in conversation at this bar/nightclub/party/other assorted setting in the greater Los Angeles area, please take a moment to answer these questions to the best of your ability.
1. I am:
an aspiring actress, so I wait tables
an aspiring musician, so I wait […]

A convergence of sorts led to this discussion: It basically came about when a bunch of us were watching the Super Bowl on my friend’s giant plasma HDTV (which made me drool profusely, by the way) and the Victoria’s Secret commercial came on while someone was in the kitchen singing Edwin Starr’s “War.”
The discussion […]

[Ed. note: If you’re unfamiliar with the song “88 Lines About 44 Women” by The Nails, read this before going further. So what if my rhyme scheme isn’t exact? Let’s see you do all this.]
I really felt appreciated when you took the call from your ex
Immediately after we had sex
Cleaning my desk […]

So, I have a bit of a confession to make. As much of a stud I am for being part of this whole Boyspoke thing — you know, being a spokesmodel for guys everywhere, much like a writer for Maxim or FHM or that goddamned idiot “Jake” who does a column for Cosmo and […]

The memories of a three-month-long Christmas season are still echoing in my head. Mostly, it had to do with the fact that every radio station on the face of the Earth was playing nothing but Christmas music between Labor Day and Christmas Day. And every store and every mall and every elevator and […]

Attention, people of Earth: Do yourselves a favor and pick up a subscription to Esquire magazine. I’m not saying this because they’ve paid me to (they haven’t), I’m not saying this because they put an almost-totally-naked chick on the front cover of this month’s issue wearing only a garter (they did). I’m […]

I’m a rare breed — my best friend is a woman. And there’s no romantic interest between us. Oh, I’ll fully admit that she’s hot, and I’m definitely not alone in that opinion… it combines with her kickass personality to make an incredible package of a person. Sadly, that also means that […]

I have to make a confession. I’ve been lazy and I haven’t updated my bio over there on the sidebar. I’m not in New York anymore… or Kansas, for that matter. I’ve packed my shiznayit and hauled it across the country to the Land of Plastic & Sun — El Pueblo de […]

So, the party I went to last night wasn’t a total waste. I mean, yeah, I got some incriminating pictures of people in my industry, and I got pretty wasted too, but I didn’t get any phone numbers from the hot women running all over the house. In fact, I’m not quite sure […]

I have a confession to make about something that you might’ve known or realized already: I do online dating. There. I’ve said it. Don’t you want to make fun of me now? Of course not, because you’re probably doing it too. Plus, it seems that online dating has become […]

Technology is killing chivarly. Chilvary. Dammit. CHIVALRY. There. My stupid fingers finally forced the word out. But however you might spell it, technology and convenience (hey, I got that one right on the first try!) are killing it. Actually, it’s mostly dead already.
Back when the kids went on […]

One of my friends maintains that, in order to pick up any woman, all you need is his three-point plan. When he first said this to me, I immediately asked him why he wasn’t marketing his plan on late-night TV, but upon hearing his explanation, I understood why. Steps 1 and 2 are […]

When Meme approached me to write for this site I was initially excited, which had more to do with her drunken enthuiasm than anything else. Then a sense of dread set in. What will I write? Is my ex girlfriend going to find this site? My co-workers? My Boss? Will Meme remember that she asked […]